The Kent M. Beeson of Western Civilization

Amsterdamned (1988, Dick Maas)

Some background: when I arrived in Arcata to begin my first year at Humboldt State, there were two theaters, the Minor and the Arcata (known to the students as the Major). The Minor, IIRC, had three small theaters; one “big” one with a balcony, and two shoebox ones, not unlike Seattle’s Grand Illusion. I was told that the cavernous Arcata used to be a bowling alley; I don’t think that’s true, but it isn’t hard to imagine. (If you know that one screen at the Crest — that weird one off to the right of the snack counter — imagine that, only ginormous. And Art Deco-y.)

Anyway. Those days, double-features were all the time. ALL THE TIME. Seriously, it made studying — you know, the reason for going to school — very hard, since you paid for the second movie, you just gonna walk out? It was a fucking awesome time to be young and a cinephile, but holy shit, I spent a lot of money at those theaters. Don’t even get me started on RESERVOIR DOGS — I think I saw that like five times, dragging someone new to it each time. (And then there was the PULP FICTION/RESERVOIR DOGS double feature.)

So yeah, the very first movie I saw, days before starting my freshman year, was DIE HARD 2 at the Arcata. Pretty sure I’d seen it already in Modesto; it was a bit of comfort food in a new town, on my own. The second feature? Something called AMSTERDAMNED.

I love this movie, and this long, nostalgia-flecked intro is there to suggest my love is likely wrapped up in issues unrelated to cinematic worth. However, part of why I love it so is that it’s obviously a remake of JAWS, with a crazy knife-wielding scuba diver in place of a shark. (Same thing, right?) Is there a Hoopery scuba expert to assist our policeman? Yes there is. Is there a “Don’t look back, Charlie!”-type scene? Yes there is. Does the killer stick his knife up out of the water like a shark’s fin? You betcha. If it has one thing over JAWS, it’s a pretty good boat/car chase sequence through/along the river Amstel. It’s probably not great, it’s very 80s (“Dick Maas” is Dutch for “Rowdy Herrington”), but it doesn’t deserve to get lost on Vestron VHS.

(You know, I can’t help but think Bong Joon-Ho was thinking about this movie when coming up with THE HOST.  Maybe it’s just the geography of the films — cities with rivers running through them — but there’s a definite similarity of feeling in them.)

On The Air (1992, David Lynch, et. al.)

The first — six, I think? — episodes of Lynch’s TV show after the cancellation of “Twin Peaks”. I recall during the original broadcast a monumentally hilarious bit involving a live TV gaffe, and the rest being uncomfortably bad. I didn’t stick around during the dubbing to verify.

The Penguin Pool Murder (1932, George Archainbaud)

So apparently back in the day, they used to run these hour-long mini-features as part of a doubleheader or what have you, and a number of them featured detectives. (I know the name of one of them off the top of my head — The Falcon, played by Val Lewton regular and George Sanders’ bro, Tom Conway.) This one’s with Miss Hildegarde Martha Withers, and I bet you, the first image in your head is exactly what she looks like. I’ve seen this, and I think she’s a schoolteacher who gets involved in murder investigations. (In the parlance of my mother and grandmother, fans of “Murder She Wrote”, it’s a “Nosy Old Bitch” story.)  I remember it as entertaining but inessential; its only (unearned) distinction is that it was made in the thirties.

The Woman in Black (1990, Herbert Wise)

I was told — by my mother, of all people — that there’s a supremely scary part in this movie, so I hit record and turned off the TV.  (Okay, that’s not 100% true. I caught enough to get the visual gist of it — BBC TV, that cold and glassy feeling.) Later, my mom told me that she finally got around to seeing it and the scary part wasn’t all that — she was going off secondhand info ‘bout the alleged scariness. So I don’t even know what the hell to think.

Your Own. Personal. Netflix Suggestions. Your Own.

About an hour ago, my wife emailed me with an urgent request: a co-worker needed horror movie recommendations!  Never one to slack on my purpose in the world, I threw on my cape and came to the rescue. Here’s what I sent back:

ZOMBIES

Dawn of the Dead (original 1978)

Dawn of the Dead (2004 remake)

The Return of the Living Dead

The Evil Dead

ADDED: Dead Alive/Braindead (thx Jose!)

SLASHERS

Suspiria

Black Christmas (original 1974)

Halloween (1978 original)

Terror Train

GHOSTS/HAUNTED HOUSES

The Haunting (original 1963)

The Ring (either original or remake)

Poltergeist

BIG MONSTERS

The Host

Cloverfield

Tremors

Q — The Winged Serpent

Jaws

VAMPIRES

Martin

The Return of Count Yorga (might be unavailable)

Near Dark

Scream Blacula Scream

Lemora — A Child’s Tale of the Supernatural

WEREWOLVES

Ginger Snaps

Ginger Snaps 2

An American Werewolf in London

JUST PLAIN WEIRD

Phantasm

The Brood

The Thing (1982)

PEOPLE GETTING TORTURED AND WHATNOT

The Devil’s Rejects

The Last House on the Left

The Hills Have Eyes (2005 remake)

Hostel I & II

Texas Chain Saw Massacre (original 1974)

These aren’t intended to be ranked in any way, other than the order I thought of them.I don’t think all of these films are necessarily good, per se, but I do stand behind them as something worth seeing in that category. I fully expect to hear more suggestions, disagreements, j’accuses, etc. in the comments below.  
(Also: yes, I threw on a cape to write an email.  It worked for Homer Simpson.)

The Night Visitor (1970, Laslo Benedek)

At the time, this was the only film I’d reclaimed that looked even remotely professional.  Max Von Sydow and Liv Ullman will do that for you.

Best "Phantasm" Review Ever.

steveosteve:

…The film moves not with the standard American nightmare pacing, with fright and shock leaping out of every corner, but with the dreamy half-speed motions of a first-rate Eurohorror. Narrative sense is subsumed to atmosphere and a sense of reality irrevocably altered. Coscarelli obviously doesn’t have a big budget with which to work, but he does manage to project a rough-hewn elegance to certain images (like Jody disappearing into the pale glow of an ice-cream van’s headlights)….

The Green Slime (1968, Kinji Fukasaku)

This movie isn’t any good, despite having that great Japanese SF look and a dependable plot hook (alien spore reproduces on space station, spawning monsters, hilarity etc.).  In fact, if I were to make a Top 20 of horrible movies I’d love to remake, this would be up there (along with this beauty).  The only thing that gives The Green Slime any historical importance at all is that it inspired Tom Wham’s classic board game The Awful Green Things From Outer Space.

The Evil (1978, Gus Trikonis)

I covered this nearly four years ago, and don’t really have anything to add, except The Evil sounds like a horror movie titled by Kenneth Parcell.  Except it would be spelled Th’ Evil.

Actually, Th’ Evil brings up some of the pros and cons of haunted house movies.  The problem with haunted house movies is that there never seem to be any rules to how they operate — that is, the house (or th’ evil that possesses it) appear to be pretty much omnipotent.  The characters inside can’t escape, and they’re pretty much the playthings of a malevolent force.  It’s a bit of a paradox — it seems like a mysterious force inside a spooky house would automatically be scary.  But we can’t root for the characters since there’s nothing they can really do to fight back, so we stop caring about them, and so it’s never really scary. (For the ne plus ultra of this conundrum, see 1408. Or better yet, etc.)

The pro of this is that this is exactly how nightmares work.  (My nightmares do, at least.) In my experience, these movies only find their true success later on, when the film finds its way into your subconscious, or even better, when you’re all alone in a strange house and the idea of a malevolent force that can fuck you up really is scary.